Between yesterday and today, i've been a giant grey cloud. Part of it has been personal anxiety, some of it tiredness, and some of it work blahness. We have to write reviews for our operators this week...and it has been painful. I kept feeling torn between wondering if i was being too nice or being too tough. And the thing about writing these things...is that as i sit staring at the screen, i mentally start going over my opinions of each person...memories of certain events with them...and asking myself if i've been a good supervisor in regards to them. It didn't help that yesterday and today were also bad production days - where i'm left wondering if i've lost my mojo or if my moods are projecting/affecting how effective i am as a supervisor.

So, i'm taking the day off tomorrow..for a break from work (because i have to work all weekend, again)...and for designated online-class time (because it's become so hard to find time for that). But at the end of my shift my pager started buzzing - it was my coworker calling to tell me he can't make it in tonite. I'm stuck here till 2am.

and this is all why sometimes...my job really blows.

One of my former operators went to her motherland, Poland, a couple of weeks ago. We've kept in touch since I left my old department (part of my personal "appreciating connections with people regardless of their age or circumstance" initiative) and when she got back she gave me like 10 lbs of polish chocolates. And the card below. Instant smile! It'll stay on my desk for a few days.

corinne and vic and the frozen grape martinis

I ran for the first time in...forever...this morning. It felt pretty good, in that "i'm happy i'm getting through this because it's actually really painful" way.

I was supposed to fill my first free weekend at home with a house cleaning extravaganza, but instead i found myself driving up to Albany again. A spur of the moment trip, again. Between friday night and sunday afternoon, i learned that driving is much more fun when you're singing to (repetitive) 90's songs, The Happening is mostly just good for staring at Mark Wahlberg, Hot Fries are made of potato and corn, orange sunglasses are cool, Madonna beat Janet at birth, Season 5 is not when Dawson sleeps with Joey, Yankee Candle discontinued melon as a car scent, 40 miles = 40 minutes, Orbit's Positively Pomegranate gum is real sticky, and Woodbridge pizza hut has the worst service ever.

I got home and crashed. Woke up monday and spent a long, long time at the dmv re-newing my license. Now my license is set until 2013 and my house cleaning is postponed until this coming weekend....but it is definitely all good.

 Sometimes, i miss my old job. A few minutes ago one of my operators asked me if i i wish i was still in my old department. i gave my trademark egg-thinking face (aka, i squinted as if the thinking hurt a little) and she laughed and said it must depend on the day. And in that - she was not wrong. I wonder if it's always like that, the bad days make you miss the old...even if you really know that the old was poop. Hmm - i think this might apply to people, too.

This past weekend, i read The Road. from beginning to end, in 2 sittings....i read fast. Plus, it had rather big print. Anyway. Good book. Thumbs up, well written, artsy, profound, moving - and horribly depressing. I think it was supposed to be dark and bleak...but also uplifting in regards to a father's love for a son and the inate goodness of a boy. The boy part did kind of touch me. he was very sweet.. But the rest - i don't think i smiled once.....for at least a day afterwards. It probably just wasn't a good weekend for me to be reading this.

P.S. - shoffee.com kicks ass and delivered my k cups in like 2 days. Hotness. I tried the French Toast. While it's brewing, it smells like someone's pouring hot maple syryup....all over. While you drink it, it actually does taste like french toast. I can't decide if i really dig it or not. it's a little weird to be honest. but the keurig lovin' just doesn't stop

P.P.S. - i've been paired with a young girl for Big Brothers/Big Sisters. I'll have to write more about it after i meet her and her mother next week. but from her bio...i think it's going to be really challenging.

During the roadtrip with J, i discovered the tasty goodness that was Trader Joe's dried mango. Over christmas shutdown, being the addictive-personality-Egg that i am, I bought 6 baggies of the stuff and proceeded to live off dried mango. Breakfast, lunch, dinner - the stuff is so good! After about 3 days (when i ran out), i started to feel noticeably ill and started to break out. The Westfield Trader Joe's sold out so my 'ill' problem was solved - due to lack of mango supply. The other day though i went to the TJ's in Florham Park and picked up a mass amount of dried mango bags. After doing some research online - i found blogs about how in India, overeating mango is said to cause breakouts. I don't know if it's true or not, but....that would be sad.

In the meantime, i'm trying to balance my dried fruit consumption out....with dried apples, which are decently tasty. Plus, T reminded me that back in college one of our friends became allergic to mango. And we both agreed - that would be a sad thing indeed. A part of me is considering investing in a dehydrator. As at $2.99 a bag, my addiction is getting pricey. But how far down the white-suburbia-crusty-folk rabbit hole can i go? Can you imagine. "What are you doing tonight?" -- "Oh, i have to wash and prepare my fruits tonight so i can start up the dehydrator...".

And, i've been rewatching some of the Buffy episodes. hooked. so hooked.

sort of.

One of my co-workers is constantly chewing Nicorette gum at work. Partly because he 'means' to quit and partly because stepping outside for a smoke is a pain when you wear a plant-only uniform (translation: it's not allowed outside). So it's how he gets his nicotine fix. This week i've been addicted to my bubblemint gum. And getting tummy aches on a daily basis from my incessant chewing of it. So - somehow he ended up offering me a piece of his gum to try. I figure...this could be interesting. I figure, the alleged light-headedness (that he told me i'd get) might be fun because i was in the middle of writing a report i really didn't want to write.

So i start chewing. He asks me if it's started burning yet. I say no and that it totally isn't working. Proceed chewing. About 8 minutes into the chewing...i start to feel a tingle in my mouth. I tell him the burning has started and he says "Right on!". Then it starts to burn in my throat, almost just like if i were smoking (from the handful of times i have). Then my throat feels really scratchy. Then i start to feel light-headed. Then there's a small ache in my head and what feels like a large medicine ball in my stomach. Then the nausea begins.

By the time i decide to spit the gum out and announce that I've officially quit smoking, he tells me that he threw up after the first time he ever chewed a piece. Sweet. Also, he uses the strongest dosage they sell. Like, for the chain smokers. Wtf.

While i don't regret the experience, i felt ill for a good hour. At work, in front of a pain in the ass report. The things i do.